Mroe pain vs. more sanity

I went to the doctor's today. Not my neurosurgeon but the many who are in charge of taking care of me post surgically. He took out y apparently long single stitch. I was hoping for a number like 1 or stitches or something was sad to discover they only count the 10 inch line done my side of the head as one stitch. Not very bas ass.

But still pretty bad ass.

I switched from the hydrocodone to combinations of ibuprofen and Tylenol. Everyone was almost angry about my accusations about the hydrocodone causing me anxiety. They were all convinced that I was mistaking it for the steroids. But while it was not probably directly creating my heart to pump and pain to scorn, I think the hallucinations I were getting was. And while, I am a little bit more uncomfortable today. And still not sleeping. I feel a lot better. A lot like myself. And I did not hallucinate or have a bad dream. Maybe its me and I psyched myself. Maybe its all in my newly operated hopefully brain tumor free brain. Either way, I could care less. No bad dreams tonight.

They give you a lot of flexibility in what you want according to medications. At first, especially when you are doped up on narcotics, it’s frustrating. They ask you things like what do you want.? And all you want to scream is HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I WANT ,MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT WEIGHS 900 lbs AND I AM IN PAIN, and YOU WANT ME TO MAKE DECISIONS.  You don’t scream. You answer in a pale fatigued grasp of a voice. It’s hard to project.

Right now I would judge my pain at a 6 which is pretty good. (One being no pain and 10 being the worst pain imaginable) I mean in twenty minutes I might have moments of 8 or 8.5. But right now a steady six. I haven’t been at a ten since the first days of surgery.

Uncomfortable but doable. These aren’t a normal days after all, I am healing.

What I think, I HAVE DECIDED, to do is switch between the hydrocodone and non-narcotics for one more day (tomorrow) and then stop taking the narcotics all together. I am not doing this for fear of addiction or anything like that. It feels good to have a strong stable body while I am healing. My body feels like mine again. And while druggies around the world my look upon me with disfavor. I say to them: You f*ing idiot. You could use you head with no pain and you don’t. Do you have any idea what its like not be able to?  

Its amazing how fast the scar is healing. After stitches out, all you see is a line.My hair grows fast and seems to be engulfing the scar nicely..